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Taxi Driver Stories That’ll Make You Laugh [funny]

Sit back, relax, and enjoy these Taxi Cab Quips that happened over the last two years in my cab.

But before we start, you may need to know what is the definition of a “Quip”

Quip noun
  1.  a clever or witty remark or comment.

So without further ado, here are a few of my favorite Taxi Driver Stories (quips)

Taxi Quip #1
Customer : so did u name the company Blacks Taxi cause u hate racism?
Me : yea , pretty much , I hate Beets too so we almost called it Tomato Taxi
Customer ; really?
Me: no

Taxi Quip #2
Customer (pays and asks ..) so what’s a normal tip for a taxi ?
Me: well , it’s really up to you
Customer: ok…
Me: but we are real low on baby formula and diapers , and dog food
Customer : funny !!

Taxi Quip #3
How to keep a cab ride quiet when you’re tired ….
Customer: so u from here?
Me: No I’m from jersey.
Customer: Oh how’d you get to California?
Me:  I’m on the witness protection program.
(Cab goes quiet)

Taxi Quip #4
I’m grabbing a coffee at starbucks with my taxi T-shirt on….
Barista: “You’re a taxi driver “?
Me:  yes I am
Barista: uber is cheaper than taxis
Me: and 7-11 is cheaper than Starbucks.
Barista: but not as good
Me: I see you got my point

Taxi Quip #5
Me: where to?
Customer; Calle Medusa , you know where it is?
Me: yea , you know it means “Lovely Lady with snakes coming out of her head ”
Customer : hmm. Fits my wife.

Taxi Quip #6
Customer(s) (2 girls 2 guys) – Hey, is this Cash Cab?
ME: no, But we can play if you want.
Customers: ok, cool you give us a discount if we get questions right?
ME; I’ll give you 15% off , one shot, one question, deal?
Customers: Really? Ok, go for it…
ME: Here we go, What is the binary equivalent to the number 20.
One of the Customers : that would be: 0 0 1 0 1
ME: dang, how’d you know that ?
Customer: I taught computer science
ME: out of all the people I get in here, I pick the one time to play this game with a rocket scientist.
Customer: So we get 15 % off?
ME: yes, or 1 1 1 1 Binary….
Customer: That’s right..
ME: Don’t Grade me!!

Taxi Quip # 7
Passenger: so what do u do for a living ?
Me: (thinking REALLY) I’m a quantum physics scientist
Passenger: oh, then why do you drive a cab?
Me: well I was doing an experiment at MIT in 2075 and I went back in time 60 years. So now I drive a cab
Passenger: wow that’s cool.
(Yes really, in case you ask)

Taxi Quip #8
Customer: it’s our 10th wedding anniversary
Me: congrats!! How’d you propose?
Customers wife: he said he could never love anyone else cause he hates everybody
Me: that says a lot

Taxi Quip #9
16 dollar fare and his credit card is denied
Customer: I don’t have cash either now what happens?
Me: well u have 3 choices , I call the police, I call my uncle Veto or I take you back to where I picked you up
He ended up getting a round trip back to where I picked him up.

Taxi Quip #10
Customer was lowering my radio volume
Me; Was it too loud for you?
Customer: no, it was on 7 and I can’t look at uneven numbers, so I turned it to 6
Me: Well, I’ll just round up the fare then for you when you see $45.25 on the meter

Taxi Quip #11
Customer: so are you a republican or democrat?
Me: I plead the 5th
Customer: (laughs) So if you can ask Obama just one question, what would it be?
Me: I would ask him what he does for a living.

Taxi Quip #12
Customer: Hey, it’s veterans day, do I get a nice discount because I’m in the Marines?
Me: I am a retired Navy Vet, so it kind of evens out
(ok ok, I did give him a discount, only because he didn’t laugh)

Taxi Quip #13
Girl about 18 gets in cab and Suffragette City by David Bowie is playing on my iPod
Girl: this is old people music.
Me: Oh Really?
Girl: do you have Wiz Khalifa?
Me: I’m not sure, I get my blood work back next week.

Taxi Quip #14
Lady gets in cab, shes from Italy but lives here now
Me: So what do you do for a living out here in California?
Lady:  I work UNICEF, we are a free drug environment.
Me: I think you mean Drug Free Environment
Lady: There is a difference?
Me: (so I explained to her the difference)
Lady:  Oh, No wonder I get funny looks .

Taxi Quip #15
Pick up gentleman all dressed up late for a wedding he was going to
Me: I think we’ll be there just about when the wedding starts. So who’s getting married?
Man: My EX
Me: Hmm, sorry to be so forward, but that’s weird.
Man:  Yeah, I know, I just want to make sure the other guy goes through with it.

As a Taxi Driver, I always love talking with people and having some fun with them as well. Especially tourists from out of state, they are very easy to mess with, but also, laughter makes them feel comfortable.

I really hope you enjoyed these Taxi Story QUIPS. There are many more, but I just can’t remember them all.  Laugh On!

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